It’s Obvious That My Husband Really Cares About The Other Woman, But He’s In Denial
It is every faithful spouse’s worst fear – that her husband is truly and truly in love with the other woman. Some husbands are quite honest about this and they proclaim their love very matter of factly. Others try to deny it – either because they believe what they are saying or they are trying to not to hurt their wives.
Some wives speculate that their husband has strong feelings for the other woman in spite of of what he claims. Some wives do their own detective work and come to this conclusion and others have the other woman telling all about the relationship. Many worry about what these feelings are going to average for their marriage. And this is already more difficult when your husband denies the feelings because you surprise how you are going to deal with this if he won’t already let in the truth.
A wife might have this issue: “the other woman told me about the affair. If she had not come forward, I might sill not know about it. My husband tried to deny it at first, but the other woman gave me letters in my husband’s handwriting that were obvious proof, so he finally had to let in it. The problem I have now is that my husband is trying to claim that he really didn’t care for the other woman and he’s perfectly fine with ending the relationship now. I know that this isn’t true because I have those letters. Plus, he is moping around here like he lost a limb. He’s clearly miserable without her. He says he was only saying what he thought she wanted to hear in the letters and he is moping around because he’s so ashamed of himself. I asked the other woman about his claims and she says that he is in denial. She says that he told her that he loved her all of the time. So I feel pretty sure that my husband was and is in love with this woman. But he firmly denies it and he gets mad when I mention it. Both my husband and the other woman say that the relationship is over. But I just can not move on until he admits the truth to me.”
Understand That The Husband And Other Woman Have Very Different Motivations: I understand wanting and needing the truth. But please allow me to point out some things that you may be missing because you are so close to the situation. The other woman may have her own agenda for painting a picture of love that may be only based on her own point of view. I am not denying that your husband may have had feelings for her, but he may have seen his feelings very differently than she did.
What “other woman” doesn’t want to believe that the man she is cheating with truly loves her and thinks she is special? This makes it easier to justify her cheating and of course, it strokes her ego. So, naturally, she wants to believe that they were deeply in love.
And your husband has his reasons for wanting to downplay those feelings. He knows that it is over. And he’s said that he wants to be with you. What good is it to dwell on the feelings which may or may not have been there?
I understand that you want and deserve the truth. But it is going to be much easier for him to tell you the truth once a little bit of time has passed and things calm down.
Where You Place Your Attention Is Very Important: Right now, it is possible you are devoting too much attention to his feelings for HER when you should be devoting his attention to his feelings for YOU. It would be different if he wasn’t willing to give her up or the relationship was current. But already the other woman admits that it is over. So now, assuming that you are open to saving your marriage, the attention should turn to the feelings between you and your husband. There should no longer be any place in your lives for the other woman.
If you like, you can analyze those feelings once healing has truly begun but right now, things are too fresh and your husband is invested in continuing with his version of things. He may already completely believe he’s telling you the truth and so he isn’t likely to suddenly change his version of what he believes is the truth because you want him to.
Right now, what matters is what the two of you decide going forward and not what happened in the past. at the minimum for right now. Because if you consistently focus on the past, then you are more likely to stay there. But if you want to put this behind you and move toward the future, then that is where you must place your focus.
I understand needing to know the truth, but your husband may believe that he has already given you the truth as he knows it. And you may more success getting this by counseling. Professionals are usually pretty skilled at cutting to the heart of the matter but they can also help you both to deal with it once it comes out.